In the declining years of my single digits, I developed low self-confidence for various social and genetic reasons. This minuscule confidence set me up to be a bully target. Thankfully, there were only two boys I seemed to annoy effortlessly, Glenn P. and J.C. B. (Seventy years later, I still remember their names; that’s the impact they had on me.)
Glenn lived a quarter of a mile north of us on what was then “Hamburg Pike” in southern Indiana. He lived on a farm with his grandparents. I am sure there is a sad story, but I never heard of it. My last memory of him is this incident. Glenn told me he could summon Superman to his grandparents’ farm where he lived. I doubted him. He persisted. “Show me!” He insisted I come to his farm that afternoon. When the bus dropped us off, and I had eaten my P, B, and J, I got my older brother, Louie, and we walked down and joined him in front of his grandparents’ barn, which stood about twenty yards behind the house.
It surprised Glenn that I came. He beat a unique rhythm on the top of three rusty oil drums. To my disappointment, Superman did not appear to his summons. The waiting ended when Glenn and I got into a wrestling match. I’m not sure our physical encounter was a fight, for not a minute later, before serious energies were inflicted, Glenn’s grandmother burst through the back screen door and ran Louie and me off.
When we returned to the house, Mom had received a phone call complaining about her roughens inflicting harm on her grandson. Mom believed Louie’s account, and all was well.
Glenn never bothered me after that. However, I did not learn the standard “stand up to bullies” lessons from that social event. My social weakness persists. However, my strategy of having my big brother around was a sound defense. Though I do not see him often, I am still bolstered by knowing he is available.
The truth is that the presence of my big brother dissipated my fear of Glenn.
Bullies have continued to show up in my life. Many in human form. Some are ghosts of past indiscretions and failures. A few showed up in the natural and ordinary things that happen to our bodies as we age. Like all bullies, they each seek to disrupt my rest and dissolve my peace of heart. I suppose that intimidators expose our vulnerable selves—places where our attitudes have not grown to rest on our aptitudes.
I am not capable of fending off any one of them. But I have a defender who remains close to me in all things.
My willingness to join in the just fight for self-respect has not grown to match the venom of persistent adversaries in life. However, my awareness of the One who is with me has changed. My self-defense is not well developed. I have discovered that my hiding, whining, and avoidance skills have become weaker and weaker. I don’t need them. I have developed a more profound distrust of my “self.”
That delight in testifying that there is peace and confidence outside of my circumstances steadies me. The greater the threat, the greater the sense of repose available to me. I have received a sense of confidence that comes from being entirely accepted and appreciated.
I have still not developed the skills of self-defense. I no longer want to. But I have been given skills in relating to the world in the “mind of Christ” the Holy Spirit has graciously instilled and brings to bear on my situation.
I am thankful for my two brothers’ acceptance and encouragement.
I am grateful for the “oneness” of my marriage to Jan. No one touches my brokenness as she can or enhances my joy.
I rejoice in the love and admiration of six children (three by marriage) and their ten children. I am almost a hero!
I relax in protecting the six Christ-pursuing men God has allowed me to be harnessed to in spiritual growth.
But all these are only a tiny part of God’s provision. The greatest gift from God is His promise never to leave or forsake me. He has given me the desire to consume His Word and adjust my understanding of life to fit within those truths. I have learned, and continue to learn, that as the bullies around me assert their negativity, I have a constant and persistent “Companion” who may not be seen, making his presence known to me.
There is nothing special about me that marks me as deserving. No, it is all Grace. I experience this Grace as I accept it. Whether I feel it or not, I trust Grace constantly flows to and through me. And that Grace is not for me to endure difficulties. God meets me in my challenges simply because he loves me and desires to manifest that love to those around me. It’s not about me and my self-effacement; it’s about God and his glory.
Psalm 46 was one of my Papa Saulsbury’s foundational texts. It has become one of mine. Please take time to read and meditate on it. But if you have used up all your reading time for today, soak awhile on the Last verse of the Psalm.
The Lord of Armies is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. (CSB)
Photo – A napping duck on the edge of the Sol Duc River that flows west through the Olympic National Park.
Baldwin Heirlooms 